Because 22 months of proximity had built a knowledge of each other that no amount of distance had had actually dismantled. "Tell me about the extension," Andre said, not pushing, just opening the door. She thought about how to say it, not the professional version she'd already given him that on the phone. "The other version, I want to do it," she said. "When I'm honest about it, when I take out all the guilt about what it means for here, I genuinely want to do it. " The second phase of this initiative is bigger than the first and I am the right person for it and I know that I know it the wayeno a room is right.
She paused. But I've spent the last week having a conversation with myself about whether wanting it is the same as it being right. What did you decide? I decided that's a question I taught myself to ask because someone else taught me that my wanting things was a problem that needed to be rationalized. She held her cup.
Ryan didn't do that to me. I want to be fair to him. He didn't intentionally teach me that. But somewhere in three years with him, I started treating my own ambitions like arguments I had to win. Andre was quiet, listening the way he listened completely without preparing his response while she was still talking.
I think, she said carefully. I want to say yes to Helen. And I want you to know that it's a yes I'm saying for myself, not for my career. Not to prove something. Not because leaving again is easier than staying and having to figure out what this is.
She looked at him. I know what this is. I've known what is since the terrace at the restaurant. I'm not running from it. I'm asking it to hold for 12 more months.
Andre looked at her for a long time. Ask me, he said. She blinked. What you said you're asking it to hold? He held her gaze steadily.
"Ask me, not the situation, me. " The porch was very quiet. She understood what he was asking for, not permission. She had made clear a long time ago that she wasn't asking for permission, and he had heard that he was asking to be seen as a person who was part of this decision, not a factor to be managed, a person who got to be asked. "Andre," she said, "will you hold for 12 more months? " He didn't look away. What does holding look like?
It looks like what we've been doing, she said. Morning calls, honest conversations when it costs something. You coming to New York once, I want you to see it. I want you to see what I've been doing there. And me coming home.
Real weekends, not airport goodbyes. She paused. And at the end of 12 months, we're not starting over. We're continuing. From whatever this is right now.