I mean, I wish this city had room for both things at once. I wish I didn't have to choose between. " She stopped again. "Between what? " She pressed her lips together. Then between the life I've built here and the life I want to come back to. The silence was different this time.
Not the comfortable silence of their morning calls or the heavy silence of the Marcus conversation. Something more specific. Something with more weight. What are you saying? Andre asked.
She opened her eyes, looked at the ceiling, thought about the rule he had set on a Friday night when she was standing on his porch in a red dress asking for something. She hadn't been able to name yet. "No lying, not even by omission. " Helen offered me an extension," she said. The silence that followed lasted four full seconds. "When? " He said, "Last week. " Last week.
His voice was careful. The kind of careful that takes effort. And you're telling me now. I've been trying to figure out what I wanted before I said it out loud. Because once I said it out loud, it would be real.
And then we would have to clare. I know. I know. I'm not hiding it. I'm telling you now.
How long is the extension? Another 6 months to lead the second phase of the initiative. It would Andre, it would essentially establish me as the premier event director for this kind of large full-scale cultural production in the country. The opportunities that come after this are the kind that she stopped, heard herself, heard the way she was building the case. She could hear Ryan in it.
Not Ryan specifically, but the habit she had learned from being with Ryan. The reflex of justifying herself before being challenged. I'm doing the thing, she said. What thing? I'm explaining why it's a good opportunity as if I need to convince you.
A pause. Then quietly, you don't. I know I don't, but I still did it. She pressed her hand over her eyes. I've been doing that for 38 years and one conversation with you doesn't undo 38 years.
No, he said it doesn't. A pause. But you caught it. That's different. She breathed.