His handwriting, she said, looking at it. I forgot how he was left-handed. Did I ever tell you that he wrote everything slanted the opposite way most people do? A small sound. Not quite a laugh.
He used to smudge everything he wrote because his hand would drag across the ink. Drove him crazy. Marcus let her talk. She told him about the left-handedness for another minute or two small stories. Small memories, the kind that come up when you're circling around something and need to approach from the side.
He listened to every word. Then she stopped, looked at the envelope. Okay, she said quietly. To herself mostly. Okay, she picked it up.
She opened it. Marcus stayed absolutely still, watching her hands unfold the pages, two of them, cream colored, covered in that left-ward slanting handwriting. He watched her eyes move across the first lines, and he watched her face do something complicated and private, and he looked down at his own mug and gave her that. The kitchen was completely quiet, except for the sound of her breathing, which changed about halfway down. The first page went from careful and controlled to something slightly broken.
The way breathing sounds when you're trying to hold something in and it's getting harder. When she finally set the pages down, her hands were shaking. Not dramatically, just the faint fine tremor of a person who has been holding tension in their body for a long time and is only now releasing it. She looked up at him. Her eyes were full, but she hadn't let anything fall.
He knew. She said her voice was steady but barely. He knew I'd wait too long to read it. He said that. He said, "Clare, if you're reading this, it means you've been carrying it around for too long already.
And I want you to stop being angry at yourself for that." Marcus was quiet. And then he she pressed her lips together for a moment. He talked about the house, the porch. He said he knew I'd keep the light on.
She paused. He said, "I know you you'll keep the light on because it makes you feel like I'm still coming home. And that's okay for a while. That's okay. But at some point, I want you to let it be a light for someone else."
Her voice broke on the last three words. Just slightly, just enough to hear it. Marcus reached across the table and set his hand, palm up on the table between them. She looked at his hand. Then she put hers in it.
She didn't look up at him. She just held his hand and looked at the letter and breathed. "He wasn't angry," she said after a moment. "I was so afraid he'd be I don't know that he'd be telling me something was wrong, that there was something I'd missed, something I'd done wrong, but it was just it was just him talking to me the way he used to." She picked up the last page.
He said, "If someone makes your house feel warm again, don't you dare push them away because you're afraid of losing me. You can love something that was real without letting it stop you from finding something that's real again." She set the page down. Silence. Marcus kept his hand where it was.