Building a business from nothing. Carrying everything by yourself because that's had who you are and that's what you do. And I saw the way you looked when things got hard. I saw how you pushed yourself past the limit over and over again because someone depended on you. And I loved you for it.
I loved you so much for it. Her voice cracked on the last word, just barely, and she pulled it back. And then I found out I was pregnant, and all I could think was, he already has so much weight on him. I am about to add more. I am about to be another thing he has to carry.
I would have wanted to carry it, James said. His voice was low and controlled, and it was taking everything he had to keep it that way. Sophia, that was my child., pressed the heel of his hand against his mouth for a second. You took that from me. You took my right to know my right to grieve.
I know. You decided my future without asking me. I know, James. You sat with that for six years and didn't. He turned away again.
Walked to the other side of the room, turned back. Do you understand what that means? Six years. I spent six years trying to understand why you left. I made up a hundred different stories.
I told myself I must have missed something, done something wrong, failed you somehow. I went through that in my head for years. He looked at her and the whole time the answer was that you were protecting me. Except you weren't protecting me. You were protecting yourself from having to watch me react.
Sophia's breath caught. That's not fair, she said. Which part? She was quiet. Which part isn't fair, Sophia?
Tell me. She stood up, not in anger. In the particular way people stand up when they need to be on their feet to say something hard. You're right that I was scared. You're right that I made the decision for you instead of with you.
And I have carried that as the worst mistake I have ever made every single day for six years. But James, she took one step toward him. You were not easy to come to with hard things. You know that. You know that about yourself.
He looked at her. Every time something was difficult, she said, you would just absorb it. You would take it in and process it alone and come out the other side having handled it. And I always felt like you were handling me too, like I was another problem to be solved. And I didn't know how to tell you that I was drowning a little.