8 months, I corrected, unlocking my car. The emotional connection was 3 years. What does that even mean? She grabbed my arm. Look, I get it.
You heard about Garrett, but nothing happened. Cool. We meditated. We did yoga. We talked about our feelings.
Sounds magical. Stop being sarcastic. This is serious. I need a place to live. So, get one.
I can't afford anything. You know I'm between jobs, right? between jobs for six months while she worked on her jewelry business that had sold exactly three bracelets. That's not my problem anymore, Astrid. Then she pulled out the manipulation tactics.
If you ever loved me, you'll help me. I did love you. Then you went on a romantic vacation with your ex. It wasn't romantic. Garrett chose that moment to pull up in his beat up Honda because of course he was there.
Yo, man, can we talk? He got out trying to look tough in his hemp necklace and bun. No. Look, bro. You're making this harder than it needs to be.
Astrid needs stability right now. Then maybe you should provide it, bro. His face got red. I'm trying to help here by taking my girlfriend on a two-week trip. Ex-girlfriend.
Astrid corrected. Right. Thanks for the clarification. Garrett stepped closer. You're just threatened by our connection.
I laughed. Actually laughed. My guy, your connection lasted 5 days before you both bailed. That's not a connection. That's a long weekend.
You don't understand what we have. Clearly, neither do you since you're not living together. Plot twist. Astrid's face went pale. Turns out she'd been telling people, including her mom, that Garrett had offered to let her move in with him, but Garrett was currently crashing with his buddy because Destiny had kicked him out of their apartment.
The looks they gave each other, chef’s kiss. I mean, priceless. I got in my car and left them to figure that out. Saturday morning, new development. Astrid managed to get my new address.
Don't know how. Probably followed me from the gym. She showed up with a U-Haul and four people. Her mom Deb, her sister Quinn, Garrett, and some girl I didn't recognize. They were moving her stuff out of the old apartment, but apparently decided to make a pit stop to harass me.
Deb rang my doorbell for 5 minutes straight. When I finally answered through the Ring camera, she launched into this speech. You need to man up and take responsibility for this situation. I did. I moved out.
That's not taking responsibility. That's running away. Quinn jumped in. You're destroying her life over your ego. Her life isn't destroyed.
She's just facing consequences. The girl I didn't recognize turned out to be Astrid's friend, Piper, from her failed jewelry business. She had a different approach. Don't you think you're being a bit harsh? Like energetically speaking?
This is really negative. You know what else is energetically negative? Going on vacation with your ex. Garrett, genius that he is, tried to jimmy my door handle on camera. Dude, I'm calling the cops if you don't stop.
He backed off quick. Astrid finally spoke up and she was crying, but not sad crying, angry crying. I gave you everything. I decorated your apartment. I cooked for you.
I made you a better person. You decorated with my money, cooked twice in 8 months, and I'm the same person I always was. You're being vindictive. I'm being gone. Big difference.
They finally left after I mentioned I was documenting everything for a potential restraining order. But the saga wasn't over. That night, around 10 p.m., I got an email from Astrid with the subject line, "Business proposal. I kid you not, she sent me a business proposal. She wanted me to invest in her jewelry business in exchange for 10% equity.
The investment amount, exactly what 3 months of rent would cost at the old apartment. The business plan was two sentences. Cosmic Creations will revolutionize Mindful Jewelry. With your investment, I can focus on creation without housing stress. I didn't respond, but I did forward it to Luke who works in venture capital.
His response: “Is she high?”
Update three. Monday morning. The extinction—sorry, the explosion—happened. I woke up to my LinkedIn blowing up. Astrid had messaged every single one of my professional connections with this.
Hi, I'm raising funds for my spiritual jewelry business and noticed you're connected with my ex. Despite our personal situation, I believe in keeping business separate. Would you be interested in cosmic consciousness through wearable art? She really pitched her failed bracelet business to my boss, my clients, my college professors, the random recruiter I connected with three years ago. My boss texted me, "Your ex is interesting.
Is she okay? My biggest client. I think your girlfriend needs help." The university professor. Is this performance art?
But she wasn't done. Astrid had created a GoFundMe. Help a spiritual entrepreneur escape emotional abuse. The description was a masterpiece of delusion. According to her, I had financially controlled her for years.
She hadn't worked in six months by choice, isolated her from friends. She went out every weekend, sabotaged her business. I never touched her jewelry stuff, abandoned her during a mental health crisis. The crisis being consequences. Goal amount: 25,000.
She raised $37. All from her mom. Things got weirder. Garrett left me a voicemail from a different number. Hey man, look, real talk.
Astrid's kind of losing it. She's staying with her sister, but Quinn's about to kick her out. She keeps saying you're conspiring against her. She She thinks you hacked her chakras or something. I'm going to be honest, bro.
The retreat was weird. She wanted to do this tantric workshop, and I was like, "That's too much. That's why we left early." Well, that and my girl found out. But anyway, maybe just like give her some money so she stops.
She's making us all look bad. Hacked her chakras. I can't make this up. Wednesday was court day. Yeah, we ended up in court, not for anything serious.
She tried to file a civil claim saying I owed her compensation for domestic partnership. Apparently, she Googled some stuff about common law marriage and thought she had a case. The judge looked at her filing. She represented herself obviously and actually said, "Ma'am, you lived together for eight months. You were on vacation with another man when he moved out.