My girlfriend said, "I'm going on a self-discovery trip with my ex for two weeks."
I said,
"Sounds great." Then I moved out while she was gone and left a note. I discovered myself, too. Her frantic voicemail started before she even boarded the return flight.
I, 29, male, was sitting on the couch watching Netflix when my girlfriend Astrid, 27, dropped the bomb. She walked in from the bedroom, stood directly in front of the TV, and announced, "I need to tell you something important." The way she said it, all serious and dramatic. I thought someone died. I'm going on a self-discovery trip with Garrett.
Garrett, her ex from college, the guy whose photo she still had on her Instagram, the one who really understood her artistic soul, or whatever [bleep] she used to say. I paused my show. When? Next week, we're going to this spiritual retreat center. It's two weeks of meditation, journaling, and finding ourselves.
I nodded slowly. Just the two of you. Don't make this weird. Okay. It's not about him.
We're just friends now, and he's going through stuff, too. We got a group discount. A group discount for two people? Look, she continued, "I know how this sounds, but you need to trust me. This is about my journey.
Garrett just happens to be on a similar path. I took a sip of my beer. Sounds great. She blinked. Really?
Yeah. When do you leave? Tuesday morning. You're You're really okay with this? Astrid.
If you need to find yourself, who am I to stop you? She looked suspicious for a second. Then her face broke into this huge smile. She kissed me on the forehead like I was a golden retriever who'd learned a new trick. This is why I love you.
You're so evolved. Evolved, right? She spent the next three days packing, buying new yoga pants, and talking non-stop about chakras and inner peace. I smiled and nodded. Even drove her to the airport Tuesday morning.
Two weeks will fly by, she said, giving me a quick peck. I'll have limited phone access, so don't worry if I don't text much. No problem. Have fun finding yourself. The second her plane took off, I went to U-Haul.
See, here's what Astrid didn't know. Her name wasn't on the lease. She'd moved into my apartment 8 months ago. Never got around to the paperwork. All the utilities were in my name, the furniture was 80% mine, even the succulent collection she was so proud of.
I'd bought those. I'd already found a new place the day after her announcement. Signed the lease Monday while she was getting her aura cleansed at some spa. The move took two days. I was surgical about it.
Took only what was mine. Left all her stuff neatly organized in the living room. Even left the utilities on so she wouldn't come back to darkness. The note I left was simple. Astrid, I went on my own journey of self-discovery.
Turns out I discovered I deserve better. Your stuff is in the living room. Lease ends in 3 weeks. Talk to the landlord. He's expecting you to either sign a new one or move out.
I found myself and myself doesn't include you. Good luck with your chakras. Then I blocked her number and settled into my new place.
Update one. You all wanted an update? Buckle up. So, I blocked Astrid's number, but I didn't block her on email. Forgot she had that, honestly.
Wednesday afternoon. I got the first one. What the hell is this? I came back early because the retreat was awful. And you're gone.
This isn't funny anymore. Where are you? Wait. She came back early from her spiritual journey after 5 days. More emails flooded in.
The landlord says I need to sign a lease. I can't afford this place alone. This is manipulation. You're trying to control me. Garrett thinks you're being emotionally abusive.
Oh, Garrett has opinions now. Cool. I didn't respond, but I did reach out to my buddy Luke, who still lived in the old building. He filled me in on the tea. Apparently, Astrid showed up Wednesday night fuming.
She had Garrett with her, because of course she did, and they were hauling her stuff around trying to figure out what to do. Luke heard her on the phone with her mom screaming about how I'd abandoned her and stolen the apartment. But here's the kicker. Luke overheard Garrett on his phone, too, arguing with someone named Destiny. Apparently, Destiny was Garrett's current girlfriend, who didn't know about this spiritual retreat until she checked his Instagram and saw him posting sunset pics with my ex.
The retreat lasted exactly five days before Garrett got served with relationship consequences of his own and had to fly back to deal with his imploding life. Thursday morning, Astrid's mom called me. I almost didn't answer, but curiosity won. How could you do this to my daughter? Hello to you, too, Deb.
She's homeless. She's not homeless. Her stuff is safe, and she has three weeks to figure out housing. That's more than most people get. You're being cruel because you're jealous of her connection with Garrett.
Deb, your daughter went on a couple's retreat with her ex-boyfriend. It was not a couple's retreat. It was about finding inner peace with her ex alone for two weeks. Silence. She said you were okay with it.
I was so okay with it that I decided to find my own inner peace elsewhere. You're a pathetic little man. Okay. Bye, Deb. But the best part came Thursday night.
I got a notification that someone was trying to reset my Netflix password, then my Hulu, then my HBO Max. She was trying to access my streaming accounts from whatever hotel she was crashing at. The entitlement, I swear. I changed all the passwords to variations of Find Your Own Netflix. Then I got a text from an unknown number.
Guess she got a friend to text me. Astrid wants to know why you're being so petty about the streaming services. She's having a panic attack. A panic attack over Netflix. I responded.
Tell her meditation might help.
Update two. The entitlement escalation has been wild. Friday, Astrid tried a new strategy. She showed up at my gym not to work out. She doesn't have a membership.
She waited in the parking lot for 2 hours until I came out. We need to talk. I kept walking to my car. You can't just ignore me. We were together for 3 years.