"Stop yelling," Marissa hissed back. But even her whisper was loud enough to carry through the thin walls. "The neighbors are going to hear." Oh, honey.
The neighbors were definitely going to hear and see and probably record everything on their phones because this was 2024 and nothing stayed private anymore. Especially not when it involved two naked people glued together like some kind of pornographic arts-and-crafts project. I heard footsteps in the hallway above. Then the sound of Leo's door opening.
"Yes, we called about an emergency." His voice was strained, talking to someone on his phone. "We're on the fourth floor, apartment 4C. And please, please be discreet."
Discreet, right? Because there's a discreet way to handle two adults who've managed to superglue themselves together during an extramarital affair. This was going to be about as discreet as a fireworks show in a library. About 10 minutes later, I heard the elevator ding, followed by the sound of heavy footsteps and equipment being wheeled down the hallway.
The paramedics had arrived, and they were not traveling light. I could hear multiple voices now, all trying to maintain that professional medical calm that healthcare workers use when they're dealing with something completely ridiculous. "So, if I understand correctly," one of the paramedics was saying, his voice carrying easily through the cheap construction, "you two are attached."
"It was an accident," Leo said quickly. "Some kind of reaction with the product we were using." Product. That's what we're calling it now.
Not the lubricant I was using to cheat on my wife. Just "product," like they were testing out a new kind of shampoo and had an unexpected allergic reaction. "What kind of product?" the paramedic asked, and I could hear the barely suppressed amusement in his voice.
These guys had probably seen everything, but this was definitely going to be a story they told at the bar for years to come. "Personal lubricant," Marissa said, her voice so quiet I almost couldn't hear it. "It's a Japanese brand. We've used it before without any problems."
"Ma'am, I need you to speak up, and I'm going to need to see the packaging if you still have it." There was some rustling, then Leo's voice. "Here it is. But I don't understand what went wrong."
"This has never happened before." I wished I could see the paramedic's face when he examined my handiwork. The tube looked completely normal from the outside. Same silver casing, same Japanese lettering, same professional packaging.