Then how do you do it? Do what? Keep showing up. She looked at the coffee like it was the question and the answer at once. After when everything is terrible and uncertain and you're scared every single day.
How do you just keep getting on the train? Marcusa thought about it seriously. He didn't rush the answer. You don't do it all at once, he said finally. You just do today.
You make the coffee. You get on the train. You do the next thing not because it doesn't hurt but because the next thing is what's in front of you. Emily was quiet. The secret Marcus said is you stop asking yourself if you can make it through the whole thing.
You just ask if you can make it through this morning and then this afternoon and then tonight. He paused and most of the time the answer is yes. What if the answer is no? Then you call someone. He looked at her.
That's what the number is for. She looked at him then directly. Fully no deflection. Something in her expression moved and settled like weather passing. You gave me your number two weeks ago, she said.
I know you want me to call you when the answer is no. Emily, he held her gaze. Call me when the answer's no. The train rocked. The city passed.
She looked down at the coffee cup. When she looked up again, her eyes were brighter than they should have been. the kind of bright that means someone is working hard to hold something back. Okay, she said. Okay, he said and that was all. But it was a great deal.
It was Devaroo who brought it up first, which Marcus should have anticipated because Devaroo had a gift for timing that bordered on the supernatural. They were running diagnostics on a signal relay at the South Station Switching yard on a Wednesday afternoon. The kind of methodical work that left too much room for the mind to wander when Devo said without looking up from his panel. You know what I've been thinking about? I never know what you're thinking about.
Marcus said, I've been thinking about how a man can look at something he needs, clearly see that it's good, clearly see that it's available, and still find 12 reasons not to reach for it. Deo turned a dial. Interesting psychological phenomenon, Dev. I'm speaking generally. You're not speaking generally.