The second said he had decided not to tell his wife until it became impossible not to because he wanted her to have as much normal as he could give her. The third sentence said, "I need you to help me manage this in a way that keeps her protected for as long as possible. " Marcus read it twice, then he set it down. The room was very quiet. Ryan said he knew he was sick for over a year before she did. Clare said, "I know. " Both Marcus and Ryan looked at her.
I mean, I know now, she said. She pressed her hands flat on her knees. But I also in some part of me I didn't want to look at. I think I always knew toward the end. The way he'd look at me sometimes like he was trying to memorize things.
She stopped. I thought I was imagining it. He was protecting you, Ryan said. And there was something in his voice now that had not been in it any of the times Marcus had encountered him. Something raw.
That was what David did. He protected people and never told them he was doing it. I know, Clare said again. Marcus watched her. She was not crying.
She was doing something harder than crying. She was sitting with information that recontextualized four years of grief that reached backward through everything she thought she knew and rearranged it without asking her permission. "He made decisions for you," Marcus said quietly. Not an accusation, an observation. Yes, Clare said.
How do you feel about that? She looked at him. I don't know yet, she said. I think I think he thought he was giving me a gift. More time not to worry, she paused.
But I also think I would have wanted to know. I would have wanted those months. Her voice stayed even. Barely. I would have done things differently, Ryan said.
Clare, he said it. The way men say a name when they don't have anything else and the name is all they can offer. I'm sorry for all of it for the way I came at you. I was wrong and I I think I brought this here because I thought you deserve to be angry at someone. And at least if it was about this, you could be angry at me for finding it and not him.
Clare looked at her brother-in-law for a long moment. I'm not angry at you, she said. I'm not angry at David. What are you? Ryan said a pause.
Sad, she said. Just sad. For all the ways we protect people we love, and it still costs something. Ryan looked down at the folder. Marcus looked at Clare.