“I hate hearing myself say that.”
“You should.”
“I know.”
I stared at the table.
“Did you want me jealous?”
Rachel took a long time.
“I think part of me did.”
That answer landed harder than the flirting.
“Why?”
“Because you trusted me.”
I frowned.
“That’s a strange answer.”
“I know.”
She rubbed her hands together.
“You didn’t ask who I was texting.”
“You didn’t care when I had drinks with coworkers.”
“You never checked where I was.”
“And somehow that became a problem?”
“No.”
Rachel shook her head.
“But I started interpreting your trust as you not needing me.”
I stared at her.
“That makes no sense.”
“I know that now.”
She continued.
“Cole noticed every outfit.”
“He commented when I changed my hair.”
“He joked about guys looking at me.”
“I started feeling visible in a way that was exciting.”
I looked toward her.
“And I made you feel invisible?”
“No.”
Rachel immediately shook her head.
“That’s what makes it worse.”
“What do you mean?”
“You loved me.”
Her voice cracked.
“You just didn’t perform insecurity every time somebody else noticed me.”
I sat quietly.
“So you created a situation where I would.”
“Yes.”
The honesty hurt.
“Then when I reacted at game night?”
Rachel closed her eyes.
“Everything suddenly became real.”
“You knew you crossed a line.”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you stand up?”
She cried harder.
“Because standing up would have meant admitting that I had been doing it on purpose.”
That was the answer I had been waiting for without knowing it.
She had protected herself from embarrassment by forcing me to carry the embarrassment instead.
“And touching his leg?”
Rachel shook her head slowly.
“By then I was angry.”
“At me?”
“Yes.”
“For what?”
“For making me feel guilty.”
I stared at her.
She covered her mouth.
“I know how awful that sounds.”
“At least it sounds honest.”
Rachel nodded.
“When the alarm went off, I walked toward the guest room.”
“Cole followed you.”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell him to leave?”
“I did.”
“What did he say?”
“He said I had already made my choice.”
I felt anger rise, then forced it down.
Rachel continued quickly.