The wife never gave me any suspicious behavior. We've always been a strong couple. Married 25 years, three daughters, 17, 20, and 23. Or at least I thought.
How did I find out? One day, I received a message from a woman telling me her soon-to-be husband confessed that he cheated with a senior colleague at work. He came clean and gave the name of the woman, so she did a little bit of digging and found me. She thought I deserved to know the truth.
I don't know if she did that to get back at my wife or genuinely thought I deserved to know, but that's not important. Obviously, I didn't believe her at first. But as she gave me more details about the affair—the dates, duration, names of co-workers who knew, and so on—it became clear that it was true. The guy had given her all the details: the hotel, even the address of my freaking house because she had invited him there, her phone number, and so on.
So, yeah, at some point I had to face the truth. The guy was 21 at the time, a kid. Still can't believe she slept with a kid. It happened when I was on a business trip, classic.
When I put things together, I realized that she probably planned this as my business trip was scheduled months in advance. I find it odd to believe that it's a coincidence that she suddenly cheated at the same period of time while I was away. Wife is dead to me. I'm ready to divorce her, so I'm just preparing it.
Financials, etc. One of my good friends faced the same issue, so she advised me not to confront my wife as she may go nuclear if she's concerned. I don't think she will, but who knows? I thought I knew her.
Turned out I do not. It's been hard to see her every day acting like nothing happened. She's planning our next holiday, talking about going to visit our daughters. Our eldest works in a different city, and the second one is in college.
I wake up at 5:00, go to the gym, go to work. I have my own business. Come back around 7:00 p.m. and just do my own stuff. I think my wife senses that something is wrong, but I don't really care.
What hurt the most was learning that my daughters knew about the affair. The soon-to-be husband told his fiancée that my daughter walked in on them while they were kissing in her living room. Wife thought she would be at school all day. Apparently, she managed to calm down the daughter and explain the situation.
Not sure what happened, but the daughter never told me anything. So, I'm not sure what my wife told her to keep the secret. Knowing how close she is with her two sisters, I'm 100% convinced she told them the secret. And the three of them probably decided to keep it quiet.
That's probably why I feel so detached. I believe I was, still am, a good father. I worked really hard on my business to make sure they get the best of everything. I put them first in any decision about my business to make sure I can provide, send them to college debt-free, to give them the best start in their working life.
I tried to be there at every step of their life. Basically, what any father would do. We had our ups and downs, obviously, but nothing major. They're my baby girls, and I always saw them as my little princesses.
So, knowing that they knew really stings. Part of me thinks they didn't tell me because they were scared of destroying the family. I understand that. But still, I have this anger inside of me, and it keeps growing.
We have a WhatsApp group, and when I see them asking for advice, asking for help with a deposit for a flat, and so on, I just feel like screaming and confronting all of them. But I know it won't solve anything. It will just be a 10-second happy feeling for me, and then the sting will come back. Another part of me just wants to leave.
Close my bank account and just leave the house. Cut ties with all of them and just leave without a word. My good friend advised against that because the law doesn't look kindly on this. But really, I can't deny that this option is growing on me.
I don't even want to talk. I don't want to understand their point of view. I want to leave and go somewhere like Thailand, stay on a beach for a few months, and maybe one day I'll feel ready to listen. Or maybe I won't.
I don't want to hear about how sorry they are, how they regret they didn't tell me. They had 3 years. For 3 years, they looked me in the eyes and didn't say a thing. I really don't know how they managed to keep a poker face like nothing happened and still behave as usual.
I feel like the four of them are master manipulators and this anger inside me is not going away. Reconciliation with the wife is out of the question. She repulses me and the fact that she behaves like a loving wife just adds to the fire inside of me. I'm glad my friend helped me and talked to me about her experience, so I managed to see this from an outside point of view.
Where I need advice is about my daughters. As I said, part of me wants to talk. Another part just feels like they don't deserve a chance to come clean now. It's too late.
I'm just so lost. The lawyer told me that since the kids were essentially grown, there wouldn't be much of a child-support issue. As for spouse support, she might ask for it, but since she works and is doing fine for herself, the judge will most likely turn that down. Our joint account is only used for things that we pay as a couple.
Otherwise, we have our own bank accounts. That was strong advice from my parents that if two partners are working, they should not put everything in a joint account. Can't thank them enough for that. The lawyer said she could argue that my business is doing well and that she might be entitled to part of it if I ever sold it.
To be honest, I don't even care. I knew I needed to talk to my daughters. The reason I hadn't done it is because I have this anger inside me that is not going away. I feel like if one of them says something that doesn't go well with me, I might snap.
And yes, I would like to believe my wife manipulated them to keep the secret. So, me snapping would only make it worse. Yes, the anger is misplaced. But just to be clear, obviously I hated my wife when I learned about the affair.
But then anger turned into indifference. I would divorce her and she would be gone. With my kids, it's different. I can't hate my kids.
I have feelings for them. Unfortunately, right now, it's anger. The reason I assume my youngest told the other two is because they have always been so very close to each other, supporting each other, which makes me very proud. So, it's hard to believe my youngest didn't tell them.
But as someone said, I'm not 100% certain. In any case, I don't want to blame them. I understand their point of view if they tell me they didn't want to break the family, etc. But it's hard to accept the lying.
Part of me felt they had sided with their cheating mom. I feel like I need some time alone to process everything. Time I didn't have lately. Between a wife, three daughters, and a business to run, the gym is the only real time I allow myself to have alone.
But I don't feel that's enough to make the anger go away. And in my current situation, it would be weird if I told them I would be away for a month and then go to Hawaii. Paternity tests, STDs, etc. Health checks are a no-brainer.
I have an appointment at a clinic and I'll do all the tests needed. Paternity tests, I don't know. I mean, what's the point? Worst case is they're not my flesh.
Does that matter? I raised them for 20 years. They're my daughters. Being blood related is not relevant.
If they are not, then that's on their mother, not them. I can't hold them accountable for that. Maybe the lady who contacted me lied. That was my first thought.
I mean, three grown daughters? I thought we were a strong couple. My first reply was, "I'm sorry you're going through this, but I don't believe your story about my wife." Then she started giving more details, more proof. As I said, I don't care if it was because she wanted to ruin our marriage, but as the details came in, doubt started getting into my head, and it wasn't going away.
I started my own investigation, and as you can imagine, it's a lot easier to find clues when you know what you're looking for. I no longer want to live in denial. Facts are facts, and as much as it hurts, you have to face the truth. From what I understood, the woman who contacted me and her fiancé were preparing their wedding.
I don't know what happened to him, but it seems that he had this urge of coming clean. God knows what happened in his mind. I couldn't simply cut ties with all of them and move on. You can't walk away from your children like that.
What I meant is, I would leave for a period of time to process everything, and when I'm healed, we would talk. But yes, it won't be the same. I love them. They love me.
But it won't be the same. However, no matter how angry I am, I feel like I can't just leave like that. If my youngest didn't actually tell her sisters and kept the secret to herself, me leaving would be devastating for her. And my other two might resent her for that.
This is my nightmare scenario. I might be an idiot for thinking that, but my role as a father is to protect them. I decided to get the lawyer to speed up the paperwork and get my wife served. Then on the day she receives the papers, I would video-call my daughters.
They're all in different states, so we can have a discussion to clear things. I want to do this on the same day so that they don't go talking to their mother, and then she'll try her best to play the victim. I want her to believe I know nothing until I'm ready. It's Sunday now.
I hoped that by the next week all the papers would be ready, and then I can finally open up and have a discussion with my girls. Let's see how it goes. Here's the update. I took my youngest daughter for lunch last week.
During that lunch, I asked her if there was something she would like to tell me. I don't know if it was my face or tone, but she immediately understood what I was referring to. She broke down and told me the whole story. She did see her mother kissing another man a few years ago in our home.
Apparently, my ex-wife told the man to leave and sat down with our daughter. She explained that it was a brief lapse in judgment, but she was glad that our daughter stopped it. She swore it was a one-time mistake and begged her not to say anything to me as knowing me, I would just walk away from her and our family. My daughter told me that she agreed to keep it a secret and she believed her mother.
Later on, she told my two other daughters. As you can imagine, they were both shocked. Apparently, my eldest didn't believe the story of the one-time kiss. It was too convenient that my youngest happened to walk in the living room and find them kissing for the first time.
She told them not to worry and that she would handle it with her mother. I couldn't be more proud of her for taking this burden on her shoulders. From what my youngest knows, it seemed that my eldest talked to their mother about her cheating on me and that if she didn't come clean to me, they would tell me. However, the mother always had a good excuse over the past few years to delay it.
Either it was our job situation, a sick relative, etc. There was always a good excuse to explain that it would be devastating to add this on top of what is going on with me. At the end of the lunch, I told her I would call her two sisters so we could discuss it together. She insisted to be part of the conversation.
Fair enough. I messaged my two daughters, telling them I needed to talk to them right away. So, we quickly set up a call. Part of me thinks they knew what I wanted to talk about.
And I told them that their sister told me about what happened with their mother. They both started crying, saying they were sorry and that they had wanted to tell me. Long story short, I told them I was not mad at them. I said I was sorry they had to carry this burden for so long and that I would always love them.
When it comes to their mother, I told them I would leave because I couldn't see myself staying with someone who betrayed me. But I said I would talk to her first before making any final decision, because it was the least I could do. I asked them to not mention anything to their mother because I was planning to have that discussion the same evening. At the end of the day, I went back home.
My wife was already there, talking about her day as usual. I told her I had an interesting discussion with our daughter. She immediately knew what I was talking about. She started sobbing, saying it was just a kiss and that because she knew how much I valued trust, especially in my business, she had been afraid of losing me over such a small thing.
To be honest, I thought seeing her crying would make me cry but nothing. I told her she would receive the papers the next day by courier and that we would move on. After that, I went to our bedroom, packed some clothes and left. I don't know where I was going but I just couldn't stay in our home anymore.
I booked a hotel downtown and called my youngest to tell her I would not stay at home tonight. She told me she was planning to stay with a friend tonight to avoid going back home and facing her mother. But since I was out she asked if she could stay with me. Of course.
I informed my two other daughters that their sister and I would be staying at a hotel for the night. They asked if we could discuss this all together so I said yes. During that discussion, I told them what would be the next steps according to my lawyer. I also made sure they knew they were my daughters and that I love them.
Against probably everyone's advice, I couldn't stop myself telling them that part of me was hurt that they didn't tell me anything. I told them I thought we had a strong bond and that we could discuss just about anything. They started crying and apologizing, so I reminded them that no matter what happened, they are my daughters and I love them. However, I told them it would take some time before I could behave the way we used to.
I told them I was thinking of going for a long trip to clear my mind, and my eldest said that if I needed it, then I should do it. After that, we just went to bed. The next morning, my daughter and I were having breakfast, and the mother called me. I didn't really want to pick up the phone, but the daughter insisted I talk to her.
I agreed, but I put the speaker on. As soon as I picked up the phone, I could hear that she had probably been drinking all night. She started crying, telling me she loves me, we are meant to be together, this will be devastating to the kids, etc. I told her the kids are adults now.
They don't need us in the way small children do. We gave them the best we could, and now they are building their own lives. Suddenly, she turned very nasty, saying she will take everything I have, that she will make sure my company goes bankrupt, she will tell our daughters I physically abused her, etc. I was so shocked, I just stared at my daughter, who also couldn't believe what she was hearing.
I decided to cut the discussion short, and said my lawyer will get in touch with her. Daughter and I didn't even know what to say to each other. It's like the person who was with us for two decades suddenly became another person. Five minutes later, she received a message from the mother telling her they need to talk.
Daughter was scared, so I told her not to reply. Anyway, their mother was clearly drunk, so nothing good would come from that discussion. I told her I would be staying at this hotel until things are settled, and she's free to stay with me if she wants. We had another group call with my two other daughters to tell them what happened, and as you can imagine, they were astonished.
I met my lawyer and told him what happened. He said I don't have to worry about anything. My wife had a good professional position and was financially all right. I run a business that employs 50 to 100 people, so a judge will never jeopardize that knowing her comfortable situation.
She will get half of our assets, houses, cars, etc., but money-wise, she wouldn't have a penny from my savings. So, she shouldn't be able to claim anything from my company. My daughter told me she's worried about going back to our house with her mom as she's afraid she will be blamed for it. I told her I'll get a place downtown and she can stay there with me.
Either temporarily until she feels she can go back or until she goes to college. I feel like the way her mother went crazy on the phone deeply troubled her. I told her I could find someone she can speak to if she feels the need, like a counselor. Let's see how she feels.
The mother received the papers and apparently went ballistic with our families, hers and mine. Her family tried to call us, but my eldest just shut them down. On my side, my brother knows me and just offered support. He knows I wouldn't do something like this for no reason.
So, here we are now. Divorce is on the way. My daughter is staying with me until she feels ready to go back home, if she ever does. The mother sent me messages.
I considered meeting her, but my lawyer strongly advised me not to. He said there is nothing to gain and everything to lose. So, I'll probably trust him with that.
As for me, I will not go to Thailand until I'm sure my youngest is in a good place. So, if I go, it will probably be next year when high school is done. I don't know how our day-to-day life is going to be. Let's see.